Married Men

I've been divorced for over seven years and in that time I have had two dates. One was through a "match" made for me through one of those on line dating services. I think they had me mixed up with someone else - it was definitely NOT a match! And the date seemed endless...

The other was a four month off and on few dates with someone I had known for years. There was chemistry there but he couldn't seem to get over his long deceased wife - talked about her all the time. There was one wonderful twelve hour date where I thought we had gotten through that and there was some encouragement, attraction, heat...you know what I mean. But, that didn't work out.

So, it's now been about six years since I've had a date. At first it didn't bother me. I didn't meet anyone that stirred any attraction or feelings or even that I wanted to spend more than 15 minutes with alone. Oh don't get me wrong - I see good looking guys all of the time. But here's the problem - they are married. It's just not fair. But that's the problem when you reach my age. Most men are married and settled in their marriages with kids - grown or otherwise.

I have a huge dilemma. There is one particular man that I've known for several years. I met his wife first through a friend. I would see her occasionally at Oscar watching parties, going to movies, etc. We have never been close but I do know her. Then several years ago my friend started inviting me to dinners and get togethers where this woman's husband was there. The attraction started slowly. This man is very attractive, witty, charming and very funny. Everything I would like in a partner.

I'm not sure how or why it happened about a year ago I met everyone for a New Year's Eve dinner and the eye contact, body language started. I'm not totally innocent - I was reciprocating to the subtle flirting and building attraction. I left dinner and did not go to whoever was hosting the rest of the party, went home and made a vow that I had to stay away from him, even if it was a large gathering. I did that for a year. I turned down countless invitations where I knew he would be there. I had to confide in my friend and tell her why I was doing this because it started to look strange. During this time he always asked about me. I didn't think much about that - just being nice and seeing how I was doing.

Last Friday I was invited to play poker - nickel chips - at my friends home. I knew that...we'll call him Michael...he would be there with his wife and another couple. I was, of course, odd woman out but that's usually the case. I thought, OK...it's been a year - I'm sure things have changed and I'm OK with being around him.

The minute I saw him I knew I was in trouble. I think the time and distance just made it worse. I turned to making jokes - a defense I use. We sat at the table to play poker and I made the mistake of saying that I wanted to sit between the two husbands since I didn't have a date. The other friend is just a big teddy bear and I was already sitting next to him. He thought it was a great idea and his wife knows that it's just a joke. Michael moved from where he was sitting so he could sit next to me. I had not started drinking at this point. I'm not a big drinker and rarely drink more than one glass of wine, if that. Michael had already had a couple of beers and opened a good bottle of wine and poured a glass for himself and me. I've never seen him drink wine before but maybe this is something he acquired a taste for in that year that I banished myself from him.

Well, one glass turned to several for both of us. We kept getting similar hands and splitting pots. He looked at me quite often with something more than just a glance. It's hard to put a finger on what that look was so I didn't want to read anything in it. I was dying inside. Then he very slowly moved his leg next to mine so that we were touching - not a simple, "Hey, I'm sorry, didn't mean to do that." No it stayed that way for the good part of an hour. I'm not totally innocent in this - I didn't pull away. In fact, I wanted him to touch me if only pressing against my leg. And we both continued to drink. We got very silly and thinking about it now I really hope that his wife didn't pick up on any of this. My friend didn't but when I talked to her the next day, she told me that her husband said he thought Michael was, "...sweet on me." She almost fell over in shock and so did I. I mean, her husband was not totally sober either.

So now, two days later I can't stop thinking about him. Believe me...I know this is wrong, so wrong! My ex-husband cheated on me, for God's sake! That wasn't the real reason our marriage fell apart - it's too complicated to blame it only on the infidelity. But of all people I should be totally repelled by this idea. I know it's wrong...but what happens when it also feels right? That is the dilemma I now face. Michael has stirred feelings in me - emotionally, mentally and physical - that I didn't think existed or would ever come to the surface again.

Now don't get me wrong - I have no idea if he will try to contact me or try to take this further than the overt flirtation that happened on Friday. But, I have a feeling in my gut that he will. I tested it tonight. I was updating my LinkedIn account and found he was on that site. So, I sent him an invite to join my network. I didn't really expect him to respond but within two hours he had accepted the invitation. I'm not quite sure what to make of that.

I'm in absolute misery right now. I know that if he does contact me and want to meet that I will say yes. I think I'm strong but with him, I'm not. Quite frankly, being the self critic that I am, I don't know what he sees in me. I know I'm pretty and funny and good company. I'm very self conscious of my body. And, I know that if I let this go where it could...well, I'm trying hard not to think about that.

I don't know what his marriage is like. I know that he travels a lot for his job. For all I know he has girlfriends all over the country. He doesn't strike me as that type, but you never know. All of these thoughts just overtake me now and the feelings that he has stirred in me make me nervous, excited and very scared. I don't eat; I have a hard time concentrating; I have to keep myself busy to push him out of my mind. I would be lying if I didn't say that I've thought about different scenarios with him and they are driving me crazy.

I had to write this blog to try and express what is going on with this situation. I don't know if it will help but at least I've written it down. Maybe a month from now I'll read this and laugh at how stupid I was. I hope that is the case. But, men and women pick up signals and they are usually correct. I don't want to act on anything with him but I also do. Life is so messy and in this type of situation it's so wrong but it's so right. That is the problem right now. Married men...never thought I would actually want to be with one.