Sometimes it's just not funny...

I try to insert humor into what I write to lighten up the situation that I am in right now. But, sometimes it is just...not...funny! I'm mad and frustrated and unsure of myself; and humiliated and scared and sad. I really want a full time job - you know...one with health insurance, a 401K or profit sharing plan, paid vacation and paid sick days. A normal job...a REAL job. I want to be respected as much as I respect others. I hate working in an atmosphere of disrespect and ignorance of my talents. I have so much talent and experience that seems to go to waste every day that I don't have a REAL job. I want to get up in the morning and be excited to go to work because it's fulfilling and fun; and know that I'm going to a place where I have found new work friends that can laugh with me. I miss that.

I want to be able to pay my bills and pay them on time every month. I don't have that many - is that too much to ask? I just looked at my sad little bank account. My check was deposited this morning electronically and after the two bills I paid by phone, over half of my weekly pay is gone.

I won't have enough money to catch up my rent by the end of August - a condition set by my landlord in order to have my lease renewed in October and move to a smaller apartment. I mean...I won't even be CLOSE to the amount that they want me to pay on August 31st. I will probably have to sell my couch and my treasured antique china cabinet - the one I searched for years ago knowing exactly what I wanted and would know it when I saw it...and then, there it was. I know these are just "things" but some "things" are comforting to have around. But...I'll probably borrow a digital camera this weekend, take the photos and list them both on eBay or Craig's list. I don't have much left to sell but I'll go through what I have and see if I can find anything else to list as well. That's just sad.

Yup...sometimes it's just tough to find the humor in all of this - even for me. I'm better off than some and worse off than others. This was just one of those nights that I had to hide and talk to myself and cry. I've earned a day or night every once in a while to indulge in some self pity and have a little pout.

Maybe tomorrow I'll see or hear or remember something that has happened and I'll once again be writing and laughing out loud at the same time. For now...good night.