SLEEP?!

And, again, it is late - 1:40 a.m. to be precise - and I can't sleep. I went to bed before midnight and I tossed and turned, couldn't get comfortable, had a hundred thoughts running through my head; so I gave up and got up. A friend told me that I should relax my body and then my mind would relax and I could sleep. Well that doesn't seem to work with me. Nothing relaxes!

So, what keeps me up? Is it inherited? My grandmother was a writer and she would start writing her newspaper column after everyone else was in bed. When we were very young, my sister and I would sleep in a converted porch right off of my grandmother's office. I remember laying awake listening to her pound away on her typewriter. THAT always put me to sleep. Of course, she wouldn't get up until noon the next day and I don't have that luxury.

My dad, her son, went to bed early every evening. He would sometimes make it through the news; sometimes not. But he was an early riser and was usually up by 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. every morning.

My mom has always stayed up late. She would watch the late shows and then, later when she had the ability to record her "soaps," would stay up late watching those. But she, too, did not have to get up early the next morning. Her parents, my other grandparents, went to bed early every evening and got up early every morning.

I'm so confused! I must have inherited a little of my grandmother and my mother - sort of funny since they were two completely different types of people and never really "connected." I wish, like my sister, I had inherited the ability to go to sleep early and arise early. She got the better part of that gene!

So what is keeping me up tonight? Well, let's see...first there are work-related things. I always seem to come up with great ideas for my next project when I turn out the lights and go to bed. Tonight I couldn't turn off ideas that kept running through my head about how to make our next chef event - a year from now - better. What I would do, how I could raise more money, who would be a good chairperson, on and on and on.

Then, my married, adorable friend's face comes into focus and I start thinking about him. (It would be so much easier to say his name but I'm afraid one day someone who shouldn't see it will find this blog - Lord knows how - and so I can't use it). I wonder if he is sleeping soundly - probably is. I wonder if he'll ever call. I imagine him calling me and saying he wants to see me and that he was wrong; that he can't fight his feelings for me any longer. I think about spending a wonderful evening with him, holding hands, laughing and talking and having dinner and wine. And then I imagine what might happen next. It's excruciating!

Then, for some odd reason Rick pops into my head. (I can use Rick's name because if he ever read any of this he would laugh.) I imagine him sending me an email telling me he wants to see me. I tell him that he is a happily married man. He tells me that, "well, I'm married," implying that he's not HAPPILY married. And then I start to think about that and say, "OK, I want to see you, too." What better person to have one wild night with than the man to whom I lost my virginity. I mean, it's been long enough now that I'm probably a virgin again - nice symmetry to that.

But my friend is married, too - I suppose, happily, but somehow don't think that is the case - and I don't even hesitate when I think about him calling me and saying he wants to see me. I don't tell him that he is happily married - I just say OK. I HATE THIS! I really need to get laid.

Then I start thinking about what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I don't want to stay where I am at work. There is little to no chance of moving up, and I just can't see continuing to fund raise and put on golf tournaments and galas for the next 15 years - at least not at the pay rate I'm at there. I think about a woman I met who helped give me tips and advice on what I could do for the chef event, and how wonderful it would be to work for her. She has her own event company and puts on extravagant events with seemingly endless amounts of money to spend. That sounds so fun. But she is a good friend of my boss and how would I ever approach her without her going back to my boss and telling her I want to jump ship?

And then I come to writing. I love to write. I don't know how good I am - people who I allow to read my stories say I'm very good - but I don't know. I would love to write a book and maybe, if I take the time one day and lay out all of these posts, I can find a theme that runs through them enough to put a book together. Anna Quinlan writes great books with each chapter a different part of her life or career. That would be the type of book I would like to write. Or maybe I can turn all of this into a novel - fiction of course - and add more humor to each piece. That was the last thing I thought about before I finally threw back the covers, went outside and smoked a cigarette and came in here and started to write this post.

Maybe this is a good thing - that I have all of these thoughts and can get up and write them down. I wish I could just jot things down in the notebook I keep on my bedside table, go to sleep and then write about it at a decent hour or on the weekends. But that doesn't work for me. Either I can't read my writing or nothing I wrote makes sense the next day. I can write down my dreams when I awake after a really interesting one, but can't seem to write these things down and get them out of my head while I'm awake.

And I've tried sleeping pills, and Tylenol pm and herbal sleep aids. Nothing works. I end up falling asleep but then I can't get up the next morning without feeling like I've been hit over the head with a sledge hammer. I'd rather be up late, wide awake and stay that way until I can't keep my eyes open. I'm tired when I get up the next day but I don't feel as if I've been slipped a rape drug!

I can't really think of anything specific to even write about tonight; at least not anything that would interest anyone in reading. I miss my friend terribly. It is so hard to keep away from him or to not send him an email or a text. But I can't... How long will this take?

Honestly, going back and forth through emails with Rick a few nights ago took my mind off of him for a while; at least for a few hours each night. But he always just pops back into my head. I want him out of my head and out of my heart!

At my age it is so hard to meet men who aren't married. I don't know where to go to even find them. Another friend told me I should go to a really nice bar and take a book with me, sit at the bar and have a drink. Supposedly some nice man would eventually come up and ask what I am reading, and then a conversation would ensue. I've heard this theory before but have never known anyone who really tried it. I think if this happened it would turn into a one-night stand with some man who is in town on business and looking to get laid. Maybe that's not a bad thing. I've never done that before - had a one-night stand - but I guess now that I'm older I don't have any reason to feel guilty or embarrassed the next day. Hmmm...maybe I should give this some thought. Well, see now, I'll try to go to sleep and think about THAT!

SLEEP! Why is it so hard to just fall asleep?! OK, this bored even me enough that maybe I can go to sleep now.